This Christmas is hard

When my mom was still living I felt as though we still had my dad with us. 

Now that she's gone, I'm feeling the absence of him even more than I ever did. 

Does this make any sense? 

During Christmases past while Donald and Mother and I would open our gifts, a moment would always, always, come when I'd have to leave the room for a few minutes, have a little chat with my dad and cry just a little. 

Last Christmas, looking back, I think I was still kind of in denial about mom's death. 

This year? 

This year, there's no denial. 

I feel the loss of my dad, my mom and our Harley.

 And it hurts. 

And I am sadder than I've ever been. 

And I'm tired of trying to put on a happy face that I just don't feel. 

I have always loved Christmas. 

This year, I just can't find my jingle-jingle. 

I keep trying. 

It's just not there. 

I love having the one little bitty tree up, but honestly, it was an effort this year. 

That's not the way it should be. 

I've talked in the past about how we should be aware of, and reach out to, our friends who have a hard time during this time of year. 

Pfft. 

I didn't know the half of it. 

I think, really and truly, that this year on New Year's Eve, I'm going to build a fire and spend some time tearing pages out of a 2016 calendar and watch each one burn. 

Then start a brand new fresh calendar for the new year, hope for the best and see if I can't find my jingle again. 

And to those of you who are feeling similar feelings, I send you a hug and some love. 

And ask that you remember that you are not alone.